Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
