Got a toothbrush?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
