I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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