Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
