I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
