How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
