the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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