I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
