hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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