I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
