Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
