If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
