Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
