you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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