somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
