I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
