Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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