Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
