His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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