I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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