I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
