im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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