Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
