No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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