Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
