yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just want nice things and good sex
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
