Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Damn victory sex feels great
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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