Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
