I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
