Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
