i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
