I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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