so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
