Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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