My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
