It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
