I feel like abortions should bother me more
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
