You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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