I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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