Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
