he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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