i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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