So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
