I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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