Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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