Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Still dying that you shit outside
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
