i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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