Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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