I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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