So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize