He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Come on in and take your pants off
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