If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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