Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize