wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
