The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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