She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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