He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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