Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
