my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
