You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
