There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize