Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
