my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i dont even know how to be here
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
