I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
